Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO