Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
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We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
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"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER