She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!