when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
