I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
