Duck Duck Cougar?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
