I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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