just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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