I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
