smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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