woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
His hands were made for my vagina.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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