I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
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she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
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Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The Olympian is in my bed