A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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