Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
