how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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