She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
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That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I can't turn off my feet"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
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I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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