he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
