note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
don't judge my taste in strippers
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
