She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
