Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
