I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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