i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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