I think my vagina is haunted
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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