I can text with my tongue
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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