Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
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So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
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We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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