If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize