He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
