my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
