This is the prime rib incident all over again
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
