dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
