Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sorry about my life...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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