Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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