I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Randomize
