forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
