My nipple is on Facebook.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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