cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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