sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So many bounce houses so little time
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
