she woke up with a sticky ear
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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