just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
