I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
