I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
