If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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