The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
