apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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