Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
