Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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