if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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