I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
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