stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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