Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
