You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.