she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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