you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just had sex on a roof
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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