my phone needs a breathalizer
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
