I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
