im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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