You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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